my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
And then he peed in my hair
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
