Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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