The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
