Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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