saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
