my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
