i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
