a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
The air taste purple.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
