We won't sleep together?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
