I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
