I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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