It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
