I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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