Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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