I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Randomize
