I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
