I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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