never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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