dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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