mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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