Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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