I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
