Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
