I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
