I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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