Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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