Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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