So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
