Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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