Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
