Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
