I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
