Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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