I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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