she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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