hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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