the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
