btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
