Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
not ubering you a puppy
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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