capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
