I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
a search helicopter?!
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
