I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
