What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
