Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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