Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
