I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
