That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
