Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
