i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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