Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
