Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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