I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
